The Calling

Everyone knows how much I aspire to be an inner-city pastor, but also has seen how difficult it's been for me to get the tools I need to be one. My campaign to raise money for a new Mercedes only managed to bring in $14, and my only bling is a high school class ring, a puka shell necklace, and a Fossil watch with a dead battery. Meanwhile, these guys live like rock stars, and they probably know less about the Bible than even I do. It's not fair.

So anyway, my girlfriend Sissy and I happened to catch this new show the other night, and in the middle of it, a voice spoke to my spirit:

Voice: Reverend Bishop Scooter... (deep with lots of reverb)

My spirit: This is the Reverend Bishop. Over.

Voice: You don't have to say "over."

My spirit: 10-4.

Voice: This isn't Smokey and the Bandit.

My spirit: Okay.

Voice: I have a message concerning your girlfriend.

My spirit: Sissy?

Voice: She has something very unique.

My spirit: Mold?

Voice: No.

My spirit: Back boob?

Voice: She has a calling on her to be a prophet.

My spirit: She should be a prostitute? How much should I charge?

Voice: No, a female prophet - a prophetess. She has a calling to knock down sick people for money.

My spirit: She can do that. She's very strong.

Voice: Transfer some of your anointing to her in a ritualistic ceremony so she can go forth and do my will.

My spirit: Okey-dokey.

After the show, I told Sissy about the voice and what it had told me. She brought my special prayer cloth/car wash mitt, and I poured some oil (extra virgin) on it, thereby activating the anointing. I then freestyled some powerful prayers while slowly rubbing them all over Sissy's nude body. By the time I was finished, she was speaking in tongues, verifying the process had taken. 

With that completed, it was time to test her new healing powers. I had Sissy lay hands on me to heal me of some painful inflammation I'd suddenly been afflicted with. In the name of Moses, I am happy to hereby declare Sissy to be a genuine prophetess.

Next: Prophetess Sissy heals my ailing bank account.